Great Planning, Huge Backfire

If I can only wait 10 more minutes before I eat, then I will have less day and more food.

Only a dieter can understand that statement.

When your food is rationed–yes rationed, you don’t want to be hungry at the end of the day.

If you finish your food at 6 p.m., what do you do for the rest of the day? We could go to bed, but then the next day you will wake up even earlier and finish your food by 2 p.m.

How do you solve this issue? My great plan was to wait as long as possible before I eat my food.  However, today and unfortunately, more days than I want to admit, those extra minutes often makes things worse.

Today, because I had to take a fasting blood test, I ate my breakfast about 10:30.  I didn’t rush in and nuke my breakfast the minute I got home. I was a little leisurely about preparing my food.

BIG MISTAKE.

The food is in the microwave.  Microwave is next to the pantry–I thought it was free of my trigger foods.

NOPE.

Hidden far back in the nether regions of my pantry I suddenly spiedContinue reading

Cravings, craVINGS, CRAVINGS!!!!!

 

Usually, I crave chocolate. But on Jenny, I get my chocolate fix daily, so that is not a problem.

BUT….

 

 

Stress = Sugar Cravings

Feeling Overwhelmed = Sugar Cravings

Yes, Saturday and Sunday I was both very stressed and was extremely overwhelmed.

My simple controlled chocolate fix was not working for me.

I craved cookies–no not chocolate chip cookies, but Almond Windmilll Cookies.

What the heck was wrong with me.  I never crave that.  Ok, it was available.  I bought them for my husband who had just had surgery.  These are his favorites and I was trying to spoil him.

ONE POTATO, TWO

2 cookies.  2 more cookies.  I had to have more.  I wasn’t satisfied and I wasn’t full.  3 more cookies, 2 more cookies.  I think that was all, but I could have had even more because I was focusing on feeding an insatiable hunger.  A blind, undefined need,

Finally,  my husband said, “You better stop or aren’t you on your diet now?”

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

First, smoke billowed from the top of my head.  Then I thought, “Why can’t I have a few cookies?”  Then, “Why does he have to tell me what to do?”  “I can eat whatever I want.”

“No, I am still on my diet, ” I grumbled. ” I am not perfect, I ate something that was not on my diet–the world will not fall apart,” I argued a little too loudly.Continue reading

Jicama and Hunger

Jenny Craig–if you follow it and eat every two to three hours–I have to say–prevents real hunger.  It does not stop the–I am stressed so I have to eat to make me feel better hunger, or the–I’m sitting in front of the tv and I am bored hunger.  And if we are truly honest  with ourselves, we did not get this way because we fed REAL hunger.

However, the other day I got busy doing things and it was closer to four or five hours since breakfast and I really was hungry.  I knew it was real hunger because I was looking at the veggies in the refrigerator–not the sweets in the cupboard.

It was real hunger because I pulled out the jicama (pronounced hick-a-ma).  It had to be peeled and cut.  Yes, I took the time to do it–perhaps it was a five minute job.  Once I cut half of it I had to eat some.

 

Pixabay Photo

Oh my. YUM!  Yes it tasted so good. It does not have a strong flavor, but it is a refreshing flavor. It has the texture of an apple and the density of an apple so you don’t have to eat much to feel satisfied.

Sorry–if you have stress hunger it will probably have the same effect as carrots and celery, but it is much more filling than celery.  Now I make sure I put it in my salads to help me feel full the healhy way.

 

Oops, I feel stress hunger coming on.  Can  I tie myself to the chair?  I can’t tie my hands because then I couldn’t type.  Take deep breaths.  See, I am writing about food so my brain is telling me–food yeah–food makes you feel better–much less stressed.   Those two minutes of sweet  bliss is like heroin to us.   The only problem is that high lasts three minutes tops and then guilt kicks in and we  feel stressed again because now we hate ourselves for not staying on track–so the brain tells us to eat and ………..

Quick, take a drink of seltzer water–ahh fizz.  Ok, I am fine now.  That was a close call.

14 Days and Not At Goal Weight?

 

INSTANT GRATIFICATION

 

I can wait for a lot things.  I don’t need to buy a piece of clothing  the minute that I like it.  I can wait until I have the funds or until I lose weight. I don’t need to see a movie the day it comes out because people say it is a great movie.  I can wait to see it on Pay Per View.

But when it comes to weight loss, I want INSTANT GRATIFICATION!

Yes, in that area I am like the new generation–I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!

I see my goal–which is a huge number by the way–and it just seems impossible.  Also depressing, is that I never buy new clothes because I don’t lose the weight.

The experts tell me to find other ways to show I have succeeded other than weight loss on the scale.

They tell me to notice  how my  clothes feel on me.  They should feel looser, they say.   No, doesn’t work for me, they still feel tight.  I think I was being delusional for a long time  in thinking that my weight wasn’t  that bad.   I will have to lose a lot more for me to notice it in my clothes and besides, I have been wearing these clothes for 15 years, and  because I have lost and gained and lost and gained about a thousand times they are stretched to my size.

I have put a lot of thought in this.  I want to see and feel real progress.

They told me I lost 4 pounds, but I don’t see it, I don’t feel it.

So, I decided I would put one pound stones in a bag for each pound lost.  I have to get a huge number of stones and I really don’t want to take my food scale to the beach to weigh a thousand stones to find 50–lets start there–that weigh exactly one pound.

There has to be an easier way.  So, I head to the pantry, where I always head when I have a dilemma.  But this time I wasn’t searching for snacks.  I was searching for something that weighs exactly one pound.   I thought a can of soup would work–nope–1.02 pounds.  Bummer.  How about some black beans–nope–again 1.02 lb.  Green beans also disappointed me with a 1.01 lb weight.

You know, when you get really desperate for something,  you start pushing food around, hoping there will be a treasure somewhere behind the healthy food.

Yes, I found it!    It was exactly 1.0 POUND!

 

Exactly 1.0 pound!!

 

 

Ok, I found a pound can, but what am I going to do with a million cans of hummus?

Then it hit me.  I will see and feel how much I lost and then when I have reached my goal, I will donate these to a food bank or charity.  I will feel physically, mentally and emotionally good about myself.

Talk to you later, because now I am off to buy lots and lots of alwadi hummus.

Need a Little Help From Your Friends Chapter

December 7, 2015

When you are on a weight loss plan, you do not live in a bubble in which unhealthy food cannot penetrate. That is a great visual though. Something for the next genius to invent. But, until it comes along, I have to live in the real world with real food and real temptations.

The last person I needed to tell about my plan was my dear friend who is a magician in the kitchen. She loves to cook. She loves to entertain. Her food tastes like heaven, and her food is quite healthy. The problem is that she is thin and she doesn’t need to lose weight and worst of all, she doesn’t like sweets, but she makes them for her guests. Yes, they are scrumptious! (I may have encouraged her by drooling over her food and scarfing it down the minute she puts it in front of me.)

I needed her help because she had once poo-pooed the plan because she had friends who had tried it, but had gained the weight back. I know she wasn’t too keen on this plan, she would prefer that I make and eat my own healthy food, but if I could do that, I wouldn’t be so overweight. I needed a drastic change and something with major portion control.

I waited a week to call her and invite her to our house. I was nervous and Number One was not happy with me. He thought I was being selfish, but I told him and myself that there comes a time in our lives that maybe we do need to be a little selfish, particularly when it comes to our health. When I spoke to my friend on the phone, and told her about my plan, she was a little hurt that I thought she would not support me. But when I reminded her of what she said about the program, she understood. She was ready to back me 100%! I love my friends.

So, that first weekend, I wanted to invite them over because they are always so generous with their invitations.

Number One was not too pleased with me because I had invited them over for tea and coffee and a card game. Again, he thought I was being selfish and not generous because I did not invite them to a dinner. I stuck to my guns. It was hard, but I did it.

Our friends came over, I had a nuts and fruit for them along with the coffee and tea. We all like a little wine, but they supported my need to forgo the wine and we don’t need wine to have fun.

We played several rounds of UNO– a game we hadn’t played since our kids were young. There was lots of lively conversation, maybe a little slight of hand with the cards, and we laughed and played until almost midnight.

It was a fun night and no food for me. Except, when they left, I had my Jenny chocolate cake!

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Support Chapter

NEXT STEPS

I had the plan, now I had to get the support from the important people around me. If the people who mean the most to you, don’t support you, then you will have more of an uphill climb.

NUMBER ONE

I looked at Number One and told him we needed to talk and that I would tell him where I had been. His face went a little white as if I was going to give him some very bad news. The relief on his face when I said that I went to the diet store was almost comical. It was weird, he beamed with happiness. At first I thought it was because he knew I wasn’t sneaking off to a have a Sunday morning rendezvous, but then it dawned on me that he was happy that I was taking care of myself and doing something about my weight. As I have said several times, he is smart and he is smart enough not to say anything about my weight because I would fall into a deep depression and eat more.
I know he wants me healthy, besides, who wants to walk next to a fat, old, lady? He did say that he noticed I was waddling on the hike, though. It was a good thing I had already made up my mind to lose weight for my own reasons, not because he said I waddled.

NEXT MY DAUGHTER

My youngest was home for winter break and enjoying the warm “Cali” weather and sending lots of Insta-grams to her friends on the East Coast who were suffering in the cold. My daughter was another person who needed to support me. She is thin naturally–it isn’t from my genes. She loves to go out to lunch and dinner. I gently told her that for the first few months, I was not going to go out to eat unless I didn’t have a choice. She was ok with that. “I want a healthy mom,” she said.

I have come to the conclusion that healthy is a euphemism for thin. No one ever tells an overweight person that they look healthy. So, obviously, she wants me to lose weight too, without telling me that I am fat.

When I go into her room when she is getting ready to go out, we have long conversations in front of her mirror. (Luckily, I can have a long conversation because she takes a long time to put on her makeup.)
My reflection in her mirror is that of a frumpy, overweight, old lady.
When I see myself next to my daughter, it just intensifies my feelings of failure and low self-esteem. The first words out of my mouth are usually, “Oh my God! I look awful!” (Which to be honest I do.)

SURPRISE RESPONSE

My daughters response surprised me. She was so upset that I always have such negative self talk about myself. My daughter thinks I am beautiful. Isn’t it wonderful to have daughters who think you are beautiful. (Which reminds me, I have to get her eyes checked.)

POSITIVE SELF TALK

Positive self talk is one thing I need to work on. I have a hard time saying good things about myself. I am a Pollyanna. I can find good things to say about anything or anyone. You don’t hear me trash talking about anyone, except myself.

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The Journey Begins Chapter

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This is a journey. This is a journey. I have to keep telling myself that because the day you start your die-it, you feel you are going to die of deprivation and at the same time you hope for a miracle that at least 40 pounds are going to disappear in the first 5 days of your diet.

My journey started January 5, 2015. First, there are no miracles in weight loss. My guardian angel has provided some spectacular miracles, but this problem is way out of my angel’s league. Secondly, I did not die of deprivation. You could even say, I didn’t feel deprived at all. Maybe that was the miracle that my angel gave me. She gave me chocolate.

The first thing I learned was that my idea of reasonable portion size was about 15 times off the mark. I was eating healthy food. I ate quinoa, grilled meats and lots of vegetables. But my portion sizes were gargantuan compared to Jenny’s portion size. The scary part was that I really didn’t think I was deluding myself. I truly thought I was eating a reasonable amount of food. This was a real wake up call to me. When experts tell us to eat a portion of meat that is the size of a playing card, I guess I was thinking my playing cards were the size of kids huge flash cards.

Luckily, I was still on vacation during my first week of the plan. So, I didn’t have to deal with workplace donuts and goodies that are always in the office the first day of my diet. Also it was a stay-cation so I wouldn’t be embarrassed when everyone was eating out and I was eating microwave food.

I also knew I had to have the support of a few people to make this happen. Number One was so curious about where I went that Sunday morning. I usually am very effusive about where I go and what I’ve done during the day. He usually half listens, but he was worried that I didn’t have anything to tell him. I wanted to tell him, but I was afraid he would think this would be another failed attempt and not really support me.

We went out with friends that day and walked the gorgeous, scenic bluffs and trails of Torrey Pines State Park. I wanted to talk about my new decision with my dearest friend, but yet I didn’t want to. My pain and humiliation from my bike ride was way too raw to bring up in a fast, casual conversation. Oh, I’m on a diet again. No. That wasn’t right. Would she also think–well, here we go again. Would my friend think that I have done this before and failed, so why bother?

How do I tell the most important people around me that I need their support? How do I convince them that I am really serious and I have to do this?

Hitting Rock Bottom Chapter

Like all junkies–and yes,I am a food junkie, I hit rock bottom when my bottom was too heavy to get up that hill. So, I had to find my own rehab–I couldn’t do this on my own.

My doctor had been screaming in my ear for months about my health, about diabetes, about not living to see my grandkids–well that got me scared–, but that day I finally reached a point when I had to do something about my weight and I had to do it now! I actually did listen to my doctor and tried her suggestion.

REHAB

Rehab opened at 8 a.m. on Sunday morning. After breakfast–my last meal–I told Number One that I had to run an errand. He looked at me funny because I am not a morning person, particularly on a Sunday. I had done my research the night before and by 8:15 I was walking into a Jenny Craig–my rehab center. I knew I was meant to be there because when I walked in, I found a lovely young woman waiting to talk to me. We went straight back to her office. We talked. I joked. Joking is my coping mechanism, particularly in nervous or difficult situations when I cannot eat. Unfortunately, I could not eat in front of the weight loss consultant.

ASSURANCE

Lovely Rachel assured me that I would lose weight. I was hoping for a guarantee or at least a 5 month warranty, but it didn’t happen. I had to settle for assurances. For reasons, I will explain later, I was going to have two consultants and I would be successful. Success is such a lovely word, when you are rolling and plodding on the bottom.

DREADED WEIGH IN

The weigh in is always the scariest and most devastating to your ego. SHAZZBOT!!! (Thanks Robin Williams) I was 12 pounds more than I expected, 22 pounds more than I hoped and 70 pounds overweight according to the official standard of height and weight for women. I never remembered being this heavy.

I’m older than I behave and heavier than I feel. It is ok to act a little younger, but I was deluding myself into thinking my weight wasn’t really as bad as I thought

WHAT DO I EAT?

Ok, now I had to see what I was going to eat. I hate diet foods. I was miserable even before I tasted the food. I am not a picky eater–obviously, based on my size, but I wanted a substantial breakfast because my days are crazy and it is difficult to determine when and if I will have lunch. Yes! She found it for me. Ok, the part of the diet that is the most important to REAL dieters is the desserts. Diet desserts are still desserts and you cannot live without them. When I looked at the desserts and snacks there were so many salty things that I could feel a tear coming down my cheek. I am not into salt, I am into chocolate. There were several sweets, but I don’t want sweets, I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!

Yes, I do have a guardian angel looking over me. I could switch between chocolate cake and brownies EVERY DAY! I thought I had died and gone to heaven.

Chocolate every day and I am on a diet.

Does anyone else see any pitfalls here?

Weighty Problems Chapter

.

It was a beautiful New Years Day in Carlsbad. The sun was shining and it was a warm 70 degrees–a perfect day for a bike ride. I am a biker–no not that kind of a biker, I am a bicyclist. I am over 21–waaaaaay over 21 and this is one activity that I truly enjoy. The doctors tell me that it is the best thing for my arthritic knees. My Number One man and I had biked this route before and my bike moved along like rain on glass. It was so smooth and easy. Not that I would admit to being competitive, but I left my Number One guy in the dust. He would be huffing and puffing behind me and I was a little smug and happy to be the leader of the pack–vroom, vroom!

We proudly packed the bikes on the bright, red, car and drove the long mile to the beach where we could ride the relatively flat surface of the coast highway. We knew we were not in good enough shape to bike the mountain sized hills from our home to the beach. Of course, I never travel light, even when I am biking. I have my camel-bak backpack filled with 32 ounces of water, my wallet that carries too much loose change, a snack for both Number One and myself, a 16 ounce bottle of water for Number One and various lotions and gums.

It hadn’t been a few months, it had been months and months since we had ridden our bikes and it was for a lot of reasons, but the main one being we didn’t have a rack for the bikes and Number One did not want to scratch his red car. While we were not riding, life, work, stress, and grown children were a part of our lives. I handle stress well. Everyone thinks I am so calm and nothing bothers me. My tried and true method for IMMEDIATE stress relief is that I just keep pushing more and more food into my mouth to push down all my feelings of stress and hurt. It works!

DRAWBACKS

Yes, it does have a few drawbacks. One, I am not truly dealing with my problems and ALL my problems show up on my body. A bulge in the hips. Oh my goodness, two tummy rolls! A derriere that could mimic the trunk of a car, four chins, and a bust that everyone lovingly calls my “shelf.” It was the holidays. I knew I had gained some weight, but I also knew that I could not–or would not–do anything about it until the holidays were over.

BACK TO THE RIDE

So, back to the ride that has always been relaxing and fun. Number One is usually a half mile behind me as soon as I hit the street. Today, he was on my tail. He was so close I thought he was going to kiss my back tire. Then–OMG–he passed me!!! He passed me easily. He passed me and was moving far ahead of me. My legs kept pushing, but the wind was affecting me so much more than it was affecting him. Now, he was a good half mile ahead of me. He rounded the bend and I couldn’t even see him. How could this be happening? He was supposed to be behind me. What was wrong?

SMART MAN

Number One stopped and waited for me because I was moving so slowly. Smart man–he did not say a word. I am sure he was thinking all kinds of things, but he did not voice them. We arrived at our destination–Starbucks. Of course, since we exercised we deserved a treat. So, coffee, chai latte and brownies were the pick of the day. Once we rested we started back.

UPHILL BOTH WAYS

How had the wind changed directions? The wind had been coming from the north and that was the reason I was moving so slowly. But now it was coming from the south. Each time my foot put pressure on the pedal, it seemed like I was on a stationary bike. I pushed and pushed and was huffing and puffing along. The worst part was the Number One passed me again and was far ahead–AGAIN. There is a long, steep hill on the way home. I mean really steep and way too long of a hill that leads up to Pelican Point. This hill was always a challenge, but that day my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was trying to work its way out of my chest, and my face was overheated. I could feel my pulse in my ears. (If a doctor is reading this, I think I had my heart stress test and survived–thank God!)

I geared down and geared down and geared down until I could not gear down anymore, but I still needed to find some lower gears. The climb up the hill was long, painful and demoralizing. There was no way I was going to get off my bike and walk. I HAD to make it to the top. I got there! Frustratingly, Number One was peacefully and calmly sitting at the top waiting for me to reach him.

DECISION TIME

At the top of the hill I made my decision. I was going to do something about it and would do it tomorrow!

FOLLOW “LOSING IT”

Weight Loss is a journey of many chapters. I will continue each chapter of my weight loss struggle on my “Losing It” page.