I had the plan, now I had to get the support from the important people around me. If the people who mean the most to you, don’t support you, then you will have more of an uphill climb.
I looked at Number One and told him we needed to talk and that I would tell him where I had been. His face went a little white as if I was going to give him some very bad news. The relief on his face when I said that I went to the diet store was almost comical. It was weird, he beamed with happiness. At first I thought it was because he knew I wasn’t sneaking off to a have a Sunday morning rendezvous, but then it dawned on me that he was happy that I was taking care of myself and doing something about my weight. As I have said several times, he is smart and he is smart enough not to say anything about my weight because I would fall into a deep depression and eat more.
I know he wants me healthy, besides, who wants to walk next to a fat, old, lady? He did say that he noticed I was waddling on the hike, though. It was a good thing I had already made up my mind to lose weight for my own reasons, not because he said I waddled.
NEXT MY DAUGHTER
My youngest was home for winter break and enjoying the warm “Cali” weather and sending lots of Insta-grams to her friends on the East Coast who were suffering in the cold. My daughter was another person who needed to support me. She is thin naturally–it isn’t from my genes. She loves to go out to lunch and dinner. I gently told her that for the first few months, I was not going to go out to eat unless I didn’t have a choice. She was ok with that. “I want a healthy mom,” she said.
I have come to the conclusion that healthy is a euphemism for thin. No one ever tells an overweight person that they look healthy. So, obviously, she wants me to lose weight too, without telling me that I am fat.
When I go into her room when she is getting ready to go out, we have long conversations in front of her mirror. (Luckily, I can have a long conversation because she takes a long time to put on her makeup.)
My reflection in her mirror is that of a frumpy, overweight, old lady.
When I see myself next to my daughter, it just intensifies my feelings of failure and low self-esteem. The first words out of my mouth are usually, “Oh my God! I look awful!” (Which to be honest I do.)
My daughters response surprised me. She was so upset that I always have such negative self talk about myself. My daughter thinks I am beautiful. Isn’t it wonderful to have daughters who think you are beautiful. (Which reminds me, I have to get her eyes checked.)
POSITIVE SELF TALK
Positive self talk is one thing I need to work on. I have a hard time saying good things about myself. I am a Pollyanna. I can find good things to say about anything or anyone. You don’t hear me trash talking about anyone, except myself.
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This is a journey. This is a journey. I have to keep telling myself that because the day you start your die-it, you feel you are going to die of deprivation and at the same time you hope for a miracle that at least 40 pounds are going to disappear in the first 5 days of your diet.
My journey started January 5, 2015. First, there are no miracles in weight loss. My guardian angel has provided some spectacular miracles, but this problem is way out of my angel’s league. Secondly, I did not die of deprivation. You could even say, I didn’t feel deprived at all. Maybe that was the miracle that my angel gave me. She gave me chocolate.
The first thing I learned was that my idea of reasonable portion size was about 15 times off the mark. I was eating healthy food. I ate quinoa, grilled meats and lots of vegetables. But my portion sizes were gargantuan compared to Jenny’s portion size. The scary part was that I really didn’t think I was deluding myself. I truly thought I was eating a reasonable amount of food. This was a real wake up call to me. When experts tell us to eat a portion of meat that is the size of a playing card, I guess I was thinking my playing cards were the size of kids huge flash cards.
Luckily, I was still on vacation during my first week of the plan. So, I didn’t have to deal with workplace donuts and goodies that are always in the office the first day of my diet. Also it was a stay-cation so I wouldn’t be embarrassed when everyone was eating out and I was eating microwave food.
I also knew I had to have the support of a few people to make this happen. Number One was so curious about where I went that Sunday morning. I usually am very effusive about where I go and what I’ve done during the day. He usually half listens, but he was worried that I didn’t have anything to tell him. I wanted to tell him, but I was afraid he would think this would be another failed attempt and not really support me.
We went out with friends that day and walked the gorgeous, scenic bluffs and trails of Torrey Pines State Park. I wanted to talk about my new decision with my dearest friend, but yet I didn’t want to. My pain and humiliation from my bike ride was way too raw to bring up in a fast, casual conversation. Oh, I’m on a diet again. No. That wasn’t right. Would she also think–well, here we go again. Would my friend think that I have done this before and failed, so why bother?
How do I tell the most important people around me that I need their support? How do I convince them that I am really serious and I have to do this?
Like all junkies–and yes,I am a food junkie, I hit rock bottom when my bottom was too heavy to get up that hill. So, I had to find my own rehab–I couldn’t do this on my own.
My doctor had been screaming in my ear for months about my health, about diabetes, about not living to see my grandkids–well that got me scared–, but that day I finally reached a point when I had to do something about my weight and I had to do it now! I actually did listen to my doctor and tried her suggestion.
Rehab opened at 8 a.m. on Sunday morning. After breakfast–my last meal–I told Number One that I had to run an errand. He looked at me funny because I am not a morning person, particularly on a Sunday. I had done my research the night before and by 8:15 I was walking into a Jenny Craig–my rehab center. I knew I was meant to be there because when I walked in, I found a lovely young woman waiting to talk to me. We went straight back to her office. We talked. I joked. Joking is my coping mechanism, particularly in nervous or difficult situations when I cannot eat. Unfortunately, I could not eat in front of the weight loss consultant.
Lovely Rachel assured me that I would lose weight. I was hoping for a guarantee or at least a 5 month warranty, but it didn’t happen. I had to settle for assurances. For reasons, I will explain later, I was going to have two consultants and I would be successful. Success is such a lovely word, when you are rolling and plodding on the bottom.
DREADED WEIGH IN
The weigh in is always the scariest and most devastating to your ego. SHAZZBOT!!! (Thanks Robin Williams) I was 12 pounds more than I expected, 22 pounds more than I hoped and 70 pounds overweight according to the official standard of height and weight for women. I never remembered being this heavy.
I’m older than I behave and heavier than I feel. It is ok to act a little younger, but I was deluding myself into thinking my weight wasn’t really as bad as I thought
WHAT DO I EAT?
Ok, now I had to see what I was going to eat. I hate diet foods. I was miserable even before I tasted the food. I am not a picky eater–obviously, based on my size, but I wanted a substantial breakfast because my days are crazy and it is difficult to determine when and if I will have lunch. Yes! She found it for me. Ok, the part of the diet that is the most important to REAL dieters is the desserts. Diet desserts are still desserts and you cannot live without them. When I looked at the desserts and snacks there were so many salty things that I could feel a tear coming down my cheek. I am not into salt, I am into chocolate. There were several sweets, but I don’t want sweets, I WANT CHOCOLATE!!!!
Yes, I do have a guardian angel looking over me. I could switch between chocolate cake and brownies EVERY DAY! I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Chocolate every day and I am on a diet.
Does anyone else see any pitfalls here?
It was a beautiful New Years Day in Carlsbad. The sun was shining and it was a warm 70 degrees–a perfect day for a bike ride. I am a biker–no not that kind of a biker, I am a bicyclist. I am over 21–waaaaaay over 21 and this is one activity that I truly enjoy. The doctors tell me that it is the best thing for my arthritic knees. My Number One man and I had biked this route before and my bike moved along like rain on glass. It was so smooth and easy. Not that I would admit to being competitive, but I left my Number One guy in the dust. He would be huffing and puffing behind me and I was a little smug and happy to be the leader of the pack–vroom, vroom!
We proudly packed the bikes on the bright, red, car and drove the long mile to the beach where we could ride the relatively flat surface of the coast highway. We knew we were not in good enough shape to bike the mountain sized hills from our home to the beach. Of course, I never travel light, even when I am biking. I have my camel-bak backpack filled with 32 ounces of water, my wallet that carries too much loose change, a snack for both Number One and myself, a 16 ounce bottle of water for Number One and various lotions and gums.
It hadn’t been a few months, it had been months and months since we had ridden our bikes and it was for a lot of reasons, but the main one being we didn’t have a rack for the bikes and Number One did not want to scratch his red car. While we were not riding, life, work, stress, and grown children were a part of our lives. I handle stress well. Everyone thinks I am so calm and nothing bothers me. My tried and true method for IMMEDIATE stress relief is that I just keep pushing more and more food into my mouth to push down all my feelings of stress and hurt. It works!
Yes, it does have a few drawbacks. One, I am not truly dealing with my problems and ALL my problems show up on my body. A bulge in the hips. Oh my goodness, two tummy rolls! A derriere that could mimic the trunk of a car, four chins, and a bust that everyone lovingly calls my “shelf.” It was the holidays. I knew I had gained some weight, but I also knew that I could not–or would not–do anything about it until the holidays were over.
BACK TO THE RIDE
So, back to the ride that has always been relaxing and fun. Number One is usually a half mile behind me as soon as I hit the street. Today, he was on my tail. He was so close I thought he was going to kiss my back tire. Then–OMG–he passed me!!! He passed me easily. He passed me and was moving far ahead of me. My legs kept pushing, but the wind was affecting me so much more than it was affecting him. Now, he was a good half mile ahead of me. He rounded the bend and I couldn’t even see him. How could this be happening? He was supposed to be behind me. What was wrong?
Number One stopped and waited for me because I was moving so slowly. Smart man–he did not say a word. I am sure he was thinking all kinds of things, but he did not voice them. We arrived at our destination–Starbucks. Of course, since we exercised we deserved a treat. So, coffee, chai latte and brownies were the pick of the day. Once we rested we started back.
UPHILL BOTH WAYS
How had the wind changed directions? The wind had been coming from the north and that was the reason I was moving so slowly. But now it was coming from the south. Each time my foot put pressure on the pedal, it seemed like I was on a stationary bike. I pushed and pushed and was huffing and puffing along. The worst part was the Number One passed me again and was far ahead–AGAIN. There is a long, steep hill on the way home. I mean really steep and way too long of a hill that leads up to Pelican Point. This hill was always a challenge, but that day my heart was pounding so hard I thought it was trying to work its way out of my chest, and my face was overheated. I could feel my pulse in my ears. (If a doctor is reading this, I think I had my heart stress test and survived–thank God!)
I geared down and geared down and geared down until I could not gear down anymore, but I still needed to find some lower gears. The climb up the hill was long, painful and demoralizing. There was no way I was going to get off my bike and walk. I HAD to make it to the top. I got there! Frustratingly, Number One was peacefully and calmly sitting at the top waiting for me to reach him.
At the top of the hill I made my decision. I was going to do something about it and would do it tomorrow!
FOLLOW “LOSING IT”
Weight Loss is a journey of many chapters. I will continue each chapter of my weight loss struggle on my “Losing It” page.